Winky Dink and Homeland Security

Winky Dink. Dell comic book, 1955.

Happy young viewer bathed in radiation from the television as she draws with her magic crayons on her magic screen, 1953. Photo by Walter Sanders. From the Life Magazine archives.

The author has on numerous occasions expounded upon the significance of the cartoon character Winky Dink. Like the star inexplicably attached to his head, Winky Dink's influence shone brightly over the cultural landscape of 1950s America, sparking the creativity of hordes of rapt young viewers, while boosting the bottom line at CBS by selling millions of magic Winky Dink drawing kits at 50 cents a pop. The kits consisted of a box of crayons, a sheet of plastic, and a cloth. The cloth served two purposes. First, rubbing the sheet of plastic (AKA the magic screen) with the cloth generated a charge which would then cause the sheet to stick to the TV screen, similar to the way rubbing a balloon on your hair builds up static electricity that allows you to stick the balloon to the wall. Second, the cloth served as an eraser to clear the magic screen. To the chagrin of many parents, the cloth didn't erase crayon marks from the glass of the TV if Winky Dink's little fans forgot to attach the plastic sheet before drawing.

As the show unfolded, pictures would be displayed for Winky's viewers to complete. Missing elements included such items as Uncle Slim's bowtie, or a bridge or a ladder which would allow Winky to escape a bear attack or some other peril.

Sometimes, the missing piece of the picture was presented as a connect-the-dots puzzle.

Judging from the news coverage of the recent attempt to blow up an airliner with explosive underwear, what this country needs is someone who can connect the dots. The pundits and reporters on the cable news shows have seized upon the phrase "connect the dots" to explain what it is the intelligence agencies failed to do with the various pieces of evidence they had about the Nigerian terrorist who tried to blow up the plane. I believe I have heard the phrase "connect the dots" roughly 347 times over the past week. It may be used as frequently as twice in a single sentence. Usually, these sentences begin with the reporter lookly earnestly into the camera and saying "Look." Starting a sentence with the word "look" indicates the speaker without a doubt is speaking the truth, and you shouldn't even consider the possibility that he may be talking through his hat.

Even President Obama is getting in on the act. After meeting with his security team yesterday, he stated, "The bottom line is this, the U.S. government had sufficient information to have uncovered this plot and potentially disrupt the Christmas Day attack, but our intelligence community failed to connect those dots." The only way he could have made it better would have been to start out by saying, "Look, at the end of the day..."

Obviously, President Obama must be able to count on his trusted adviors to "connect the dots." We need change we can believe in! Heads must roll! High-ranking government officials must express a sudden desire to spend more time with their families and resign! I am hereby proposing that Janet Napolitano step down as Secretary of Homeland Security. As her replacement, my fellow Americans, I give you someone whose safety, whose security, whose very existence has depended on "connecting the dots" for over a half-century. I give you the one, the only--WINKY DINK! (Cue music: "Happy Days Are Here Again")

Nobel Peace Prize: A Study in Irony

And waving our red weapons o'er our heads,
Let's all cry, “Peace, freedom, and liberty!”

-William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, Act III, Scene I

Monochrome Maniacs: Second Amendment

A well-regulated militia subdues a menacing giant.

12 Steps From Governor Sarah

Readers of a certain age may recognize in the title of this post the allusion to the movie, "Two Mules for Sister Sara" (1970), starring Clint Eastwood and Shirley MacLaine. Now the rest of you are in on the joke, whether you choose to be or not.

I need help. I admit it. I need to join Palinaholics Anonymous. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought I could ignore Alaska's governor, no matter how annoying she might be. I thought I could avoid responding to her, no matter how many non sequiturs she spewed forth. But I'm weak. I need a 12 step program.

I was doing pretty well through the recent feud between Gov. Palin and David Letterman. I didn't really care about Letterman's admittedly tasteless joke about Palin's daughter being knocked up by Alex Rodriguez during the seventh inning stretch of a New York Yankees game, and Palin's carefully staged outraged response. But then Letterman had to go and offer a possibly sincere apology, to which the governor responded.

In a statement to FOXNews.com early today, Sarah Palin said of David Letterman's apology, "Of course it's accepted on behalf of young women, like my daughters, who hope men who 'joke' about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve."

Huh? Young women are hoping men will soon evolve who joke about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls? Governor, is this the way, in your words, to progress our great nation?

The erudite evangelical went on to say, "Letterman certainly has the right to 'joke' about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have the right to express our reaction. "

Fair enough. But then she had to drag the troops into it:

"This is all thanks to our U.S. Military women and men putting their lives on the line for us to secure America's Right to Free Speech - in this case, may that right be used to promote equality and respect."

Makes me want to stick a magnetic ribbon manufactured in China on my truck: "I Support More Troops Than You," Thanks to the military for fighting for the right of David Letterman to make lame jokes and the right of Mrs. Palin to mangle the English language. If God wanted us to speak proper English, he would have made us lose the Revolution.

Tweeting

I don't tweet on Twitter. I haven't tried it. I haven't followed other twits, or tweeters, or whatever they're called. The fact that Ashton Kutcher seems to be deeply involved with tweeting was reason enough for me to stay away.

But now an event has occurred that has strengthened my resolve to avoid Twitter--Sarah Palin is tweeting.

I think this phenomenon will prove to be the Pet Rock of the early 21st Century. Apparently, the fad is already passing, with the retention rate for Twitter users down to 40%.

Spiro and Me

Spiro T. Agnew by William Frederick Behrends

It should be obvious to even the casual reader of Lugubrious Drollery that the author has a tendency to play for laughs, often with rather sorry results. This trait goes way back. One example from my high school days came to mind recently. For reasons that escape me now, the local paper published personal profiles of at least some of the seniors. It was a small class, and they may have featured everyone during the school year. As I recall, there was no interview involved, but rather a form to be filled out with vital facts about interests and extracurricular activities, and so forth. I was, for the most part, truthful until I got to the question about favorite book. In general, I have trouble answering questions about favorites. Color? Don't really care. Food? Key lime pie, perhaps, but then again, what about sweet potatoes, or Jarlsberg cheese, or M&Ms? You have no idea what an effort it was for me to come up with even that short list.

And when it comes to books, well, there are just too many possibilities. So, for my senior profile, I invented a book out of thin air--The Life and Times of Spiro T. Agnew. I guess the local weekly paper didn't have a fact-checking staff, because this little prevarication got published.

Why did Mr. Agnew pop into my head at the crucial moment? It's hard to tell. The name just sounds funny to begin with, he was funny-looking, and he seemed a cariciture of conservatism in an age of social upheaval (1970-71). His attack on the press as "nattering nabobs of negativism" is a classic, whether he wrote it himself or not. As vice president, Agnew became an icon of all that was wrong--and there was so much--with the Nixon administation, not unlike Dick Cheney during the last 8 years. Agnew resigned from office in disgrace before his boss, Tricky Dick Nixon did, setting the stage for Gerald Ford to be named VP and then to rise to the Presidency when Nixon resigned. I must thank Agnew for adding the legal phrase nolo contendere to my vocablulary. In 1972, he pleaded no contest to charges of tax evasion, stemming from his shady activities as governor of Maryland before his terms as vice president.

I recently discovered that despite his legal troubles and subsequent disbarment, a bust of old Spiro is displayed in the Capitol. Back in 1886, the Senate passed a resolution that a marble bust of each vice president should be placed in the Capitol. Considerable foot dragging occurred when it came to commissioning a bust of Agnew, but ultimately, some 22 years after he resigned, Agnew appeared at the unveiling of his bust in 1995.

Agnew was such a cultural icon, that he appeared on a watch, a la Mickey Mouse. I didn't own a Spiro Agnew watch, but I was able to buy a T-shirt with an image of one. I still have this T-shirt and cling to it as symbol of my lost youth, even if I can't fit into it anymore.


Well, as usual, I have strayed far afield from the topic at hand. I started off discussing humor--sort of. Rather than follow the trend of some bloggers and reveal my innermost angst and psychic aberrations (cue Morris Albert singing "Feelings"), I chose to include terms I find amusing in my Blogger profile. I thought I was being fairly original. I should have known better. One of the features of the Blogger profile is that the key words entered there are hyperlinked to other Blogger profiles with the same key words. Thus, when I click on the words I listed as "interests," I find the following numbers of people who used the same words:

Shiny objects: 1000
Concrete: 307
Dust bunnies: 29
Weather Maps: 3
Hockey Pucks: 3
Dietary Fiber: 1
Tropical parasites: 1

Considering the millions and millions of pathetic losers in the blogosphere, I guess coming up with the same phrase as even 1000 other bloggers is relatively original. At least for the time being, I can claim to be unique in my interest in dietary fiber and tropical parasites. And wouldn't the world be a better place if more people joined me?


Link to U.S. Senate Art and History page about Spiro T. Agnew
Link to article about Agnew watch at "I Remember JFK"
Link to my Blogger profile

Pierce On Jeopardy Again

The excitement was palpable on the set of Jeopardy tonight as the Double Jeopardy categories were revealed.

Not really, but I got interested when one of the categories was "The Gadsden Purchase."

Sure enough, the $800 answer was:


Deepak rang in, and gamely offered the question, "Who was Buchanan?"


Close, Deepak, but no cigar. You were one administration late. Neither of the other contestants tried.

The answer, of course, is none other than our obscure 14th POTUS, Franklin Pierce!

The Gadsden Purchase

The story of the Gadsden Purchase is pretty interesting. It was driven by the desire for a transcontinental railroad via a southern route. The story involves war, diplomacy, Indian raids, the slavery debate, the gold rush, etc. I'd love to recount it here, but it would be too much work, so I'll just refer the reader to a thorough Wikipedia article about the Gadsden Purchase.

An Early Example of the Dissing of Franklin Pierce

From the January 16, 2009 Chicago Tribune article, "10 Things You Might Not Know About Inaugurations:"

The outgoing president often gets little attention, but rarely has it been as obvious as in 1857, when James Buchanan succeeded Franklin Pierce. The swearing-in ceremony had to be delayed for 20 minutes because officials forgot to pick up Pierce at his hotel and had to go fetch him.

Pierce and Guano in the LA Times

The Sunday LA Times included a feature with a little different twist on usual top or bottom Presidential lists. Historians who have written about great Presidents were asked about the failings of those Presidents, and historians who have written about "failed" Presidents were asked about good things those Presidents did:

Franklin Pierce

1853-1857

Pierce enabled the expansion of slavery in the West. He also secretly plotted to acquire Cuba from Spain. A drinker of some renown, he was referred to derisively as "hero of many a well-fought bottle."

The best thing Pierce did as president had to do with excrement. Specifically, guano, or bird droppings, which were so essential to U.S. agriculture in the mid-1800s that the era is sometimes referred to as the Golden Age of Guano. In 1856, Pierce signed the Guano Island Act, which allowed U.S. citizens to mine guano on any unclaimed island in the world. It was a time of expansion, and what the guano law did was enable the U.S. to claim rights to whatever land it wanted, as long as somebody else didn't already own it. It was a very smart move -- if you like empires.

-- Larry Gara

Author, "The Presidency of Franklin Pierce"

Handsome Frank Elevated by Dubya?

Thanks to The Commander Guy's Lair for pointing out Daniel Barrick's article, "The future of Pierce's legacy looks bright: Some historians say Bush will trump him as worst president," in the December 30, 2008 Concord Monitor. Barrick writes:

Michael Holt, a history professor at the University of Virginia who's writing a new Pierce biography, warned Pierce fans against hopes of historical redemption. Bush's slide in the presidential rankings "may move Pierce up a notch, but I'm not sure it will move him out of the bottom five," he said.

Holy cow! Maybe David H. was right when he commented on a previous post, "Someday, everyone will have written a biography of Franklin Pierce."

The Great Pierce Barbecue of 1852

The occasion of Franklin Pierce's 204th birthday on November 23, 2008 prompted me to take to the Misinformation Superhighway, otherwise known as the internet, to see what new facts or fallacies I might learn about our obscure yet intriguing fourteenth President. A search on his name led me to the Voir Dire Blog, which regularly features "This Day in Presidential History" articles. The entry for the 23rd included the following about the "Pierce Barbecue Pit" in Hillborough, NH, Pierce's hometown:

Located just beyond the famed Kemps Truck “museums” (open exhibit, and can be found on River Street, the first right). The remains of this stone pit were used for Benjamin Pierce’s annual barbecue, and to stage a huge celebration to send Franklin off to Washington.

Clicking a link to the source of the quote, I found that these words were from a pdf file, "The Franklin Pierce Highway: NH 9," published by the Franklin Pierce Bicentennial Web Site. This brief, ambiguous, poorly-written paragraph left me with more questions than answers. What is the meaning of "open exhibit, and can be found on River Street, the first right?" Did Franklin's father Benjamin really have an annual barbecue? Or did some other Benjamin Pierce have an annual barbecue in the remains of the stone pit? Was there really a huge celebration to send Franklin off to Washington? Which time--when he went to Washington as a Congressman, a Senator, or President? He left New Hampshire for Washington in Febuary 1853 to prepare for his March inauguration, and it seems unlikely that a barbecue would be a popular event in the dead of a New England Winter.

My first task was to find out about the Kemp Truck Museum. I had the great good fortune, via Google, of finding Steve Davidson's blog, Crotchety Old Fan. The main focus of Steve's blog is science fiction, but he happened to write about a collection of antique radios and televisions in his hometown of Hillborough, NH, and at the end of the article he also mentioned a Linn van parked at the Kemp Truck Museum, which, Steve stated, was about two blocks from his house. Incredible!

I promptly emailed Steve to see if he would take a picture of the barbecue site for me. He was very accommodating and agreed to take pictures, although he had never seen the remains of the barbecue. More Googling on my part ensued. I was able to find a panoramic map of Hillsborough in 1884. The final item (circled in red below) in a list of 28 local features on the map was "Old Oven Built for Pierce Barbecue 1852." Bingo!


I was also able to locate, at Google Books, a digital copy of The History of Hillsborough, New Hampshire, 1735-1921, Vol. 1, by George Waldo Browne. There I found not only a description of the barbecue, but a picture of the oven, which at some point between the 1852 event and the publication of the book in 1921 had been restored by the local chapter of the DAR.


Further investigation revealed that the barbecue was not held to celebrate Franklin Pierce's departure for Washington, but was a campaign rally held on August 19, 1852. As many as 25,000 people attended the event, although opposition newspapers estimated the crowd at 10 to 12 thousand. A stage 60 by 120 feet and five feet high was built for the numerous speakers who appeared, a large tent was erected, and arrangements were made to provide the attendees with plenty of food and drink. Three thousand pounds of bread were ordered to feed the crowd. At least one, and possibly more, cattle were slaughtered to be cooked in the oven, which, according to the panoramic map description, was specially constructed for the event, and according to one biography of Pierce, was not used again. I could find no documentation that Benjamin Pierce had anything to do with the construction or use of the oven.

As promised, armed with the map, Steve was able to locate the Old Oven, on the banks of the Contoocook River, right next to the Kemp Truck Museum.

Photo Credit: Steve Davidson

The moral of our story: The internet is an uncontrolled mishmash of misinformation, but also a tool for discovery of the truth. Use it wisely, and you will be rewarded.

Hair Force One, Part 3 or Hair to the Chief

Statue of Franklin Pierce, prior to installation on the statehouse lawn at Concord, NH

In previous posts, I have discussed Franklin Pierce's hair, a topic which has fascinated historians and sparked spirited debate among cosmetologists for decades. I can't take full credit for the title of the current post. An occasional reader of this blog, Daniel P. Cory JD (an abbreviation which once may have stood for juvenile delinquent, but now indicates he is a full-fledged lawyer), suggested the title "Hair to the Chief" when commenting on one of the said previous posts. I was conflicted as to whether to use that as the title of the current missive, or to use "Hair Force One, Part 3," since two previous posts were "Hair Force One" and "Hair Force One, Part 2." I have gotten some hits to the blog via Google from people searching for Hair Force One. I assume most of them are looking for a heavy metal band by that name. Unfortunately, I just made a disturbing discovery by Googling "Hair Force One 3" myself. Topping the list of links is a site selling a series of adult movies entitled "Hair Force One." So maybe some of those people who land here via Google are looking for something other than loud music. Whatever. If it means more page views, I'll continue to use the phrase.

But, as usual, I digress.

I decided to follow the shining example of the writers of the 1960s cartoon, Rocky and Bullwinkle, and use both titles, as they frequently did. Examples include:

Axe Me Another or Heads You Lose!
Avalanche is Better Than None or Snows Your Old Man
The Deep Six or The Old Moose and the Sea

And on and on. Brilliant!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the hair of Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the USA. While researching another Pierce topic, soon to be revealed in a separate post, I found an article in the May 19, 1900 Fitchburg (Mass) Daily Sentinel in which F.C. Currier writes about meeting Franklin Pierce during the Presidential campaign of 1852. Currier described Pierce as follows:

He was tall and of slender build, with erect, military bearing, black hair, standing up somewhat in curls.

So there you have it. Another foray into the obscure. Hair today and gone tomorrow! Hey wait a minute! It's another title. . .

Sarah Palin Progresses Her Political Ambition at the Expense of the English Language

PALIN: It would be my honor to assist and support our new president and the new administration, yes. And I speak for other Republicans, other Republican governors also, they being willing also to, again, seize this opportunity that we have to progress this nation together, a united front.

Thus spake Sarah Palin (pictured above in Kuwait in 2007 after she acquired her first honest-to-goodness U.S. Passport) in a recent interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer. Sarah, please, PROGRESS IS AN INTRANSITIVE VERB! Please, please, please, just shut up and go back to Alaska!

More on Palin and the Witch Hunter

Monday, Mary and I attended a speech and question and answer session, featuring Karl Rove, at the Mendel Center at Lake Michigan College. Among the many stomach-churning things Rove said, he referred to the "Palin-McCain" ticket. Much has been made of Gov. Palin also putting herself at the head of the ticket in one of her speeches. Was it a slip or intentional? In her case, I'm not sure, but I feel confident that this was an intentional piece of Democrat-baiting by Rove, the master manipulator. He wants to take the focus off McCain, and wants Obama and the Democrats to attack Palin, increasing support for the hockey mom. In fact, Rove wrote an article in the Sept. 11, 2008 Wall Street Journal pointing out the folly of Presidential candidates attacking the opponents' running mates--to wit, Michael Dukakis attacking Dan Quayle in 1988, and Adlai Stevenson attacking Richard Nixon in 1952. In case you've forgotten, neither one of those Democratic candidates did very well in the general election.

But what I really want to talk about is a video of Palin's anointing by witch hunter Rev. Thomas Muthee at the Wasilla Assembly of God Church in 2005. While he has his hand on Sarah Palin's shoulder, praying for her, he explicitly refers to "witchcraft" (at 8:38 into the video). OK, Obama may have had a nutty minister in the form of Jeremiah Wright, but I don't believe Obama ever voluntarily stood, palms upturned and head bowed, next to Wright while the pastor spouted his crazy rhetoric. That is what Sarah Palin is doing in the video. This is too much!

Maybe it's because two people named Corey were executed during the Salem witch trials, but I have no interest in having anybody associated with belief in witchcraft in a position of power in this country.

Palin Was an Awesome Sportscaster

Sarah Palin may not have a big fat resume like Barack Obama, but was Obama ever a sportscaster? Add this to the list of qualifications for working in the executive branch of the federal government. Here's the governor, appearing with her maiden name, Heath, in a clip from 1988.

Palin Received Awesome Anointing from African Witch Hunter

In the Across the Pond blog at Times Online, reporter Hannah Strange discusses the connection of Kenyan evangelist Thomas Muthee with the Wasilla Assembly of God Church, where he prayed for Sarah Palin to become governor of Alaska in 2005. Muthee is also known for successfully running an alleged witch, Mama Jane, out of the town of Kiambu, Kenya. Ms. Strange writes:

Pastor Muthee has frequently referred to this witchhunt in his sermons as an example of the power of “spiritual warfare”. In October 2005, he delivered ten sermons at the Wasilla Assembly of God, the audio of which was available on the church’s website until it was removed around the time Mrs Palin’s candidacy was announced. The blog Irregular Times has listings and screen grabs of the sermons.

It was during that these sermons that Mrs Palin, who was then preparing for her gubernatorial run, was anointed by Pastor Muthee. His intercession, she says, was “awesome”.

There is just no end to the awesomeness of Gov. Palin. Welcome back to Salem, ca. 1692!

Lugubrious Drollery Scoops the NYT

In an article entitled "In Office, Palin Hired Friends and Hit Critics," the New York Times reports on the management style of non-community-organizer Sarah Palin. Included in the article is the following:

Another confidante of Ms. Palin’s is Ms. Frye, 27. She worked as a receptionist for State Senator Lyda Green before she joined Ms. Palin’s campaign for governor. Now Ms. Frye earns $68,664 as a special assistant to the governor. Her frequent interactions with Ms. Palin’s children have prompted some lawmakers to refer to her as “the babysitter,” a title that Ms. Frye disavows.

...she is an effusive cheerleader for her boss.

“YOU ARE SO AWESOME!” Ms. Frye typed in an e-mail message to Ms. Palin in March.

You heard it here first, in Lugubrious Drollery's post Sarah Palin is Awesome!

Based on her actions as governor, you can expect to see Miss Wasilla's high school cronies in positions of power in Washington if McCain is elected!

What Exactly Is It That the VP Does Every Day?

Another priceless video.

Sarah Palin is Awesome!

I wanted to start this post with a really cool picture of an outhouse in Wasilla, Alaska, but since the picture is copyrighted, I'm just supplying a link. Wasilla is, according to Karl Rove, the second largest city in Alaska. Being mayor of this booming metropolis, which is said to have some actual indoor plumbing, is obviously preparation for being a heartbeat from becoming President of the USA. Awesome! Actually it's the fifth largest city in Alaska, but it is the second largest city in Alaska with a population between 5 and 10 thousand. So take that, you America-hating liberals! Mr. Rove was almost accurate in his statement.

I never intended to lapse into political discourse on this blog. I don't have an agenda per se. I am embarassed to say that I voted for W in the last two elections--the first time due to a fear of higher taxes, and the last time because John Kerry chose that weasel John Edwards as his running mate.

But. . . I can't sit by quietly as I read about what's going on now. Take for instance, Ms. Palin's flip-flopping on global warming. She previously denied it is caused by human activity, but now that her running mate acknowledges it is, she's changed her tune, sort of. From the AP's coverage of Palin's recent interview on ABC, I present the following:

In the ABC interview, Palin said she believes that "man's activities certainly can be contributing to the issue of global warming, climate change. ... Regardless, though, of the reason for climate change, whether it's entirely, wholly caused by man's activities or is part of the cyclical nature of our planet — the warming and the cooling trends — regardless of that, John McCain and I agree that we gotta do something about it."

So, even though she is still hedging her bets about the cause, she and McCain are going to do something about it. Awesome! And if, as she apparently really believes, global warming is caused by cyclical warming and cooling trends, she and McCain can do something about that. Altering the cyclical nature of our planet! Awesome!

As to her qualifications for dealing with Russia, she had this to say:

Pressed about what insights into recent Russian actions she gained by living in Alaska, Palin told Gibson, "They're our next-door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska."

So even though it's not clear that Governor Palin has actually seen Russia from a distance, it appears someone in Alaska has. Awesome!

Naming Sarah Palin's Grandchild

As we all know, whether we wanted to or not, vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin will be a grandmother in few months. I would like to help in choosing a name for Bristol's baby. Let's review the names of Sarah's children:

Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig

In the spirit of avoiding ordinary names, I would like to offer up the following possibilities for Bristol's baby:

Trapper, Pistol, Remington, Colt, Winchester, or Calculus

Trapper seems to fit the Alaskan lifestyle and Gov. Palin's love of outdoor activities such as shooting caribou while breastfeeding. Plus, it would resonate with the family names that start with "tr": Track and Trig. Pistol also honors the gun-totin' family tradition, and carries the added bonus of rhyming with Bristol. Remington, Colt, and Winchester are all names to warm the cockles of an NRA member's heart. Even though Sarah chose to name her youngest child Trig because it is a Norse word meaing "true" and "brave victory," trig is also short for trigonometry, so how about borrowing a name from another branch of mathematics, calculus? Not only that, but this word also has other layers of meaning, such as "kidney stone," which can be nearly as irritating as the Palin family.

Other suggestions are welcome.